Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Finding Grace in love, life, and letting go.

Face down on my bed, crying and holding my hand was my "little sister friend".

Because where else do you turn when your hearts so sad? Her little old black cat had died suddenly

and unexpectedly.

People who have never fallen in love with animals will not understand, but I did. They are so much a

part of your every moment life that when they are not in it anymore it leaves a gaping hole.

Her cat had funny quirks like "guarding" the backyard chasing off any interloper. She would sit by

the front door greeting you when you came on the porch so you automatically look to her spot. The

spot which was now empty.

I sat quietly and patted her back. I was searching for the words to say to comfort her.

"I know Margie, that you feel so sad. That you are going to miss her forever. That when you look for

her it will hurt, that when its night and you roll over and reach to pet her half asleep and realize she's

gone your heart will ache like its been poked with a stick. You are going to cry over things like

finding a toy under the bed, all the funny things she did you remember and how important she was

and its a big loss not having her right here. But animals just don't live like people do. You know we

are lucky to have them as long as we do, we can feed them the best food, take them for all the vet

visits, watch over them protect them, give them the best of all we have in the way of love and care.

But we have no control over how long they will be here. They are only borrowed really. They don't

actually belong to us. You know you loved her and gave her affection and food, and a safe place to

live. She was not scared to go. She shut her eyes and let go. And left you with sweet sweet memories.

And today it feels like you just want to crawl up in a ball and cry forever. It will be awhile, but one

day you will be able to get up, and it will hurt a little less. I promise."

And then I laid down on the bed and held her hand. Because thats what you do when your the big


Loving animals is a risk. Because they love us in a way that human beings never will. They really

don't care what time it is, they will get up when you do, eat what you do, live where you live, and

never complain.

They will lay all day with you when you are sick.

They will be clowns to hear you laugh.

They will always be glad to see you.

Dogs will guard you from everything no matter if they only

weigh 10 pounds like my Yorkie, or are 15 years old grey

faced and stiff like my old girl Cali. I have no doubt that my

dogs would fight til they could not move to protect us.

They even love us when we are at our rock bottom absolute

worse selves, not even our mothers would claim us us, but

there they are ready to give us affection anyway.

And here I am looking at my Cali cattle dog. Where she used to be marked with tan its now all white

especially her muzzle.

She is stiff when she gets up, and took a fall today when she tried to run towards the fence so I am

even more aware of her slowing down and limited movement. She does not chase a ball anymore or

chew endlessly on her kong like she used to.

And I know these are all part of the aging process for her. It hurts me to see them, but Im watchful so

I can keep her comfortable and happy.

She is changing but this does not make her less than.

She has a favorite spot in the kitchen where the sun shines and thats where she loves to lay and sleep.

She plays with Robyn and the cat poking them with her nose til they run under the bench in the

living room where she can't poke them anymore. She still hits high alert when the post man comes.

She ran after a toy yesterday and threw it around after I tossed it to her. She is the bad manners

beggar at dinner time and will steal your food if your not paying attention. She has a endless love

leak that only can be filled with belly rubs, pets, scratches and staring up at you with her ears

tucked back and those soulful brown eyes telling you all the things in her heart.

This is the grace in the process.

I know the time will come when I will have to make the choice to to let her go as peacefully as possible.

 I will not prolong her life if it means she has to live without dignity.

I know she will let me know when its time.

And together we will take that last step and I will hold tight to the lessons of grace and letting go.

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