Monday, February 24, 2014

i love the 80s

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

It was a helluva time in the 80's.

That girl next to me? She was my best wingman. I know its not PC to say wingman but I don't really care so MEH.

We have some great stories.

We had watched the movie "Risky Business" while getting ready to go out for the evening. We were being silly, I had the bathroom sign I had nabbed from some bar and we all took turns getting our picture made with our sunglasses on in honor of Tom Cruise and his Ray Bans.

So me and "Wingman" ( I will keep her real name out of it since she's all grown up  and everything and probably will kill me for this story ) are in the car getting ready to get out and go into Russells which was a pretty happenin place in the day. I say "Here wear your sunglasses into the bar lets pretend like your blind and see what happens." She was such a good sport and pretty much let me talk her into anything so she stuck them on and we walked in the lobby and stopped at the door to the club. There was this big guy, foreign,  new, working the door. We will call him BFNG to keep the convo straight.

BFNG: Hi ladies I need to see your driver liscense please.

Me: Um well I'm the only one who can drive so I'll give you mine.

BFNG: Wheres hers?

Me: Um Seriously? She DOES NOT DRIVE. I point at the glasses and mouth "can't see"

Wingman is keeping such a straight face it looks like she's deaf too. I'm the one having a hard time not laughing my butt off.

BFNG looks like he just ate something bad. He's all "Oh hey just go on in and have a great time how about some free drinks?  He hands me a wad of free drink tickets and awkwardly pats Wingman on the back as we go in.

We go in and walk to a corner where he can't see us and die laughing.

I say" Oh my God you should have seen his face!"

She says "I DID !"

Which makes us laugh even more. Our favorite waitress comes over and when we tell her about it she comments with "He's pretty but not much upstairs I guess!"

I requested "I wear my sunglasses at night  and we dedicated it to the BFNG and when he heard it we waved at him from the dance floor, Wingman still had her glasses on in fact wore them all night like she was a movie star...

As we were leaving and walked past BFNG I said "Do you like jokes, I have a good one." He says "Sure." So Wingman takes her glasses off and says "See you later." and winks at him.

Poor BFNG. Hornswoggled by two wild and crazy American Chicks.










Monday, February 17, 2014

Red Dirt Sweetie: The good old days

Red Dirt Sweetie: The good old days

The good old days

 Some people would call me a Fogey, a Fuddy Duddy, a Luddite.

I Just  prefer "Old School" for some things.

Like making a Dr. Appointments.

Or picking up medicine.

Like today....

Conor,  the boy who can deconstruct the indestructible  ( why don't they have a 6.99 a month replacement plan like on your I-Phone I don't understand. )  had gone through yet another pair of glasses in a year and it was time.

I don't like going to the Mall or big chain eyeglass stores. I prefer to go to the Doctor close to my house.
He has a Office/ boutique in this hip Strip nestled in with trendy Pubs and art galleries and I like to try on the 20 pairs of designer, non gender specific,  mod hipster frames ( that cost  eleventy hundred dollars and  I can't possibly afford even with insurance) while I wait for my appointment.

We have been there before so I'm thinking piece o cake,  I'll just call and get us both appointments for Monday. They have everything on file from last time already it will be easy peasy.

I called last Wednesday to  make the appointments.  Dolly, the technician, tells me the Computer crashed last year and they lost a lot of information so would I mind giving her our Eye Care Insurance info.?   I read everything off of the card  and make sure the appointment time is on my calender.

 I check my voicemail on Friday night and there is a call,

"Hi Mrs. Kelley its Dolly with Dr. X office calling to remind you about your appointments on Monday please call and confirm your appointment at blah blah time our number is 123-1234 thank you."

OK since I made the appointment and you just called and REMINDED me of the appointment why do I need to call you and tell you I got your reminder call  about the appointment that you were confirming with the call that you just made?  That's 3 phone calls for our appointments, (My Dentist does that too and I don't get it. I work off of appointments we call and confirm but don't usually ask you to call us back unless there is a question.) But I think well,  maybe they are super busy and I call and leave a message

"Yes we are coming see you then."

 Monday morning I get a voicemail its Dolly from Dr. X.

 "Mrs. Kelley you are not showing up on the eye care plan you gave us can you check and make sure we got your husbands birth date correct?"

I call and give them his birth date and his group number again and nope its not showing up.

"Mrs. Kelley you can just file your insurance for reimbursement."

"Oh how much would that be?"

"99.00 each for your exams."

"Well let me keep trying to figure this out."

  Conor has to get his brain eyes examined AND have glasses which is a big expense so I call Larry back.

 "Are we still on a vision care plan because its not showing us on this one."

 "Yep its right here on my check stub , I can try to call HR but I don't know if anybody is there, because when the pipe broke it was in the basement and that's,"

"Where the HR office is." I sigh and finish that sentence.


 "Yep. But let me try to call them."

Meanwhile I'm at the CVS Drive through  trying to pick up a prescription. Because when somebody says they can out multi task me I say



I hand the tech the two scrips  through the window and he says "Can I see your Driver License I have to punch it in the computer.
"
So I hand it to him and he says  "Will you be coming back for these?"

I'm thinking to myself "Well I'm in the drive through so Captain Obvious I would like them now." I can feel my Queen of Snarky wanting to rear her nasty head at this poor guy so I don't open my mouth I nod and he says "Give me 20 minutes." and hands me back my license.


I go park in a spot in the back looking at a tree thinking , well at least I don't have to look at garbage cans while I wait, and I get a text from Larry telling me we have a new Eye Care Insurance plan and giving me all the info to call Dr. X with.

"Hi Dolly its me ( I feel like we are buddies now I have talked to her so many times ) I have some new info."

"You spoke to my associate let me get her for you."

"Hello Mrs. Kelley this is Dolly."

"Hi I just found out that we have a different plan so here's the info for you to look us up. Blah Blah Blah."

"Oh with that plan I have to have his birthday and the last four numbers of his Social Security to look it up."

"OK its blah blah blahgitty blah."

"Ive tried that twice  Mrs. Kelley sometimes they get one little number or letter off so can you just give me his Social Security number?"

I don't like to admit this but I can barely remember MY OWN number. So I tell her I have to call her back with that and I send Larry a text  "They want your Social Security number, your blood type, and what you had for breakfast." I wanted to add cheek swab and photo I.D. but I was afraid he would get annoyed.

He calls me and gives me the info and I call back ( this is the fourth call I have made in a hour trying to get this settled I'm truly in need of a stiff drink and thinking I probably should ask this Dolly if she'd like to meet me in the Pub next door to her office for a dirty martini even though they probably don't serve people at 9:30 in the A.M.) she answers sounding chipper as can be, which makes me feel guilty and like I should be even more chirpy because truthfully all I want to do is throw a two year old baby tantrum I'm so SICK of all the back and forth.


"Hello Dolly, ( inside I'm laughing hysterically and wanting to sing that to her and wondering if she would even know what that song  was since she's probably only 19 and has never seen a musical except for GLEE.)  its me again I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this but here's the Social please tell me its on there."

"Oh there it is Mrs. Kelley we have you both down see you at your appointments."

This discourse has taken approximately 20 minutes so I drive back to the drive through at CVS.

"Hi I'm here to pick up prescriptions for Suzanne Kelley."

She goes and picks them up from the basket.

"Do you have your CVS card and drivers license?"

"I don't have my CVS card but,"

 She interrupts with "Whats your phone number I can look it up."

"Its 123-1234, and I just gave you guys my Drivers license."

"I have to punch it in the computer and you have to sign this and this."

She hands me my license, I give her money, she gives me drugs, shuts the window and I drive home.

While I'm driving home I think of when I was a kid and my mom would call and make my appointment with any Doctor. They would look at a book where it was written down when we walked in. My mom would hand them a insurance card and they would check it off on the book and my patient file. I'd see the Dr. and afterwards
we would go to the Pharmacy next door, hand our scrips over, sit down at the Soda fountain counter with the swively stools  and order two sodas and our scrips would be finished before we were.


No 9 phone calls, and a text.

No drivers license twice.

And you got to hang out on a swively stool and have a Pop while you waited.

I miss the good old days...











Monday, February 10, 2014

I hate Valentines Day

So where exactly WAS this guy all those years?

The other day my Mom informed me in my dating life I was "really Picky". I got to thinking about and I guess I did have certain standards when I was in my teens and twenties.

They were:

Single, Cute, Working, Smart, Funny, my age, liked music, books, partying, dancing, had own place.

I had dates, but not a boyfriend. So when I got in my mid twenties I changed my standards a little.

Single, cute, working, smart, funny, music, books, own place.

 I was bored and started taking guitar lessons and ended up dating my guitar teacher for about a year. He was all of those things EXCEPT he was about 35 going on fifty. He was so serious. He was vegetarian and was Whole Foods before it was popular. He lectured me constantly on the importance of a "clean colon " and told me I should have a colonic. I didn't want to look dumb so I looked it up and could not believe someone would actually VOLUNTARILY get one of those *google it, and I was slightly offended about being told I could possibly be full of shit, according to this guy.

If I ate anything he considered unhealthy I would chew gum before I got to his house. I was like a drug addict hiding my chocolate addiction.

Now don't get me wrong he introduced me to some things I might never have tried. He had lived in India and would make Indian food, (good) listen to some smooth jazz ( really good) and give me massages ( super awesome good!) he was so smart there just was not much that he didn't know about which was a huge turn on SOMETIMES.

 But sometimes it was not so fun. Like when I'd be telling him about a beautiful make up trend I'd mastered and how accomplished I felt and he'd say " You do realize women should not wear all that make up?"  It was like talking to someone who'd gone to Berkeley and majored in Women's studies talking down to you from the top of the Empire State building.

Even standing around like this didn't work
 I finally had enough of his "Sometimes I think your dumb" moments when one Valentines date night  he told me my eyelids looked like a butterfly ( and not in a good way) and that he didn't like to see my lipstick on my wine glass. I finally figured out  I was more "Stevie Nicks DIVA Hippie" than hairy armpit, no make up wearing live in a tee pee hippie like he was looking for.

So we broke up -  Happy Valentines Day to nobody....

In my 30s I went though a long dry spell. I couldn't get a boyfriend to save my life. Even relaxing my standards to Single and breathing and only living in your parents basement didn't help much.

I worked with a bunch of women in cosmetics, and all those Valentines Days I watched as the Flowers came, I smiled and nodded and gritted my teeth ( bitter much  um YES)  the talks of where they were going on their date or their weekend, what they were wearing, oh and God help me the MARRIAGE PROPOSALS.

 Every Valentines someone would say with the big eyes and pouty pushed out lips "Please work for me so I can fly to LAS Vegas on his private jet and get married to my boyfriend who looks just like John Mayer, and sings like him, and gave me this ginormous ring and filled my house with roses and bought the entire Godiva chocolate factory for me." EVERY STINKIN YEAR.

Finally I decided that I was just going to say no. I was going to rent a bunch of movies and just stay home since it was my weekend off. I would not have to see all the Valentines SHIT and brou haha that was going on or listen to it I could just have a pity party table for one AT HOME!

My single hot next door neighbor said he'd join me in a show of solidarity because he was sick of "love day" too. That Friday night he came over with two bags of Hershey's Chocolate kisses and three bottles of Champagne. We snuggled in on the couch in sweats and under blankets ( we were not dating because his standards were  he liked boys who looked like Jon Hamm from Mad Men) and proceeded to drink Champagne and eat candy and watch Sunset Boulevard. About an hour into the movie his phone started ringing. This was before cell phones but he lived next door and we could hear it ringing incessantly, answering machine would get it, then it would start all over again. Finally he said "I'm going to go see who it is I'll be right back."

I hear him talking but can't make it out. About twenty minutes later he comes back and he's dressed to the nines and smelling like the Men's Fragrance counter at Foleys probably because that's where we worked. An "old Friend" wanted to take him to dinner. I could see he felt awful about leaving me his work/neighbor wife  but didn't REALLY want to stay home when he could go out with some hot guy for a free fancy meal and maybe some hot smicky smacky afterwards. So I put on my brave face and said "Sure go ahead you look so handsome have a wonderful time." After he left I called Dominoes and ordered pizza. A LARGE PIZZA. When it got there I finished off the bottle of Champagne and 1/2 of the pizza. Then I thought "Well who cares these are the only kisses I will be getting so I'll have some more of these, and another bottle of Champagne."

I heard my friends key in my lock and woke up the next morning with chocolate smeared on my shirt, a coffee cup with Champagne in it by my head, red foil Hershey's wrappers stuck to my cheek, and the Mother Trucker of all hangovers. I looked like a cross between Nora Desmond and someone with the smokey eye look who'd been crying all night. I felt like I'd been run over by a disco bus full of Rockettes who were kicking me in the side of the head every time my heart would beat.  When that morning sun hit me I moaned like Dracula and buried my head under the sofa pillow.

After he shut the door he pulled off the pillow brought me a wet washcloth and  extended a peace offering. Two Excedrin and a liter of Ice Cold Sprite. What an angel of mercy. How could I be mad?

It was not long after that I met this Man who was so nice and funny I felt comfortable enough to tell him my wicked secret. That I hated Valentines Day. I hated how all the girls at work got Daisies ( my favorite)  and candy and jewelry and expected me to drop everything and work for them because I was single so how could I possibly have anything to do on Valentines day. poor poor no date havin girl. I was just going to get some Girl Scout Cookies and go home and watch TV.

He laughed and said 'Well you can never get in anyplace that night anyway so just come over and we can have a bite at my house."
Valentines not Valentines kiss




I came over in jeans and a ponytail. He met me in a  smart suit coat. We went in and he had made this wonderful candlelight  mexician ( my favorite) dinner, there were Daisies in a vase ( my favorite) on the table.  After we ate, he handed me two boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. I laughed and said "You got me cookies for Valentines Day that's so funny!" I opened it up fully expecting thin mints but instead it was some CD's of my favorite music. 
He had given me the best gift of all.

He had listened. He had remembered all my favorites with his "special girl dinner" and I decided I loved him.

So I married him.

And I buy HIM *WINK* Girl Scout cookies every year.







Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Everytime We Say Goodbye...


I have never been good at change. Especially when it come to people.  And saying goodbye.

And when people I really like move away its SO HARD.

When we moved to our home in 2009 I realized a dream. We actually lived in a neighborhood where

 all of our neighbors were our friends.  We spent time together having cook outs and game nights,

park clean ups. All the social stuff was really fun. But I also knew if I needed something I could

count on them.

When the big tree branches fell off in a storm we could get some help and a chain saw.

My car broke down no problem someone would go get Conor.

Need a cup of flour, an egg, a hug, just go across the street.


And I learned how to BE a good neighbor too.



Checking on my neighbor Fred from Malaysia to make sure he knew what to do when the tornado

sirens went off. Making sure to visit with my elderly neighbors next door asking if they needed any

thing from the store ( but I was really making sure they were OK ),  taking care of  someones dogs

so they could go on a trip.


I really have a relationship with them. I see their kids get bigger,  graduate,  marry, have babies.

We laugh and cry and support each other we have a bond .

So when they move even if its a happy thing, a good thing, it always makes me feel a little lost.


I hate saying goodbye. Maybe because the older I get the more I realize how precious our

time here is. How quickly it goes by. And I want to tell them YOU WILL BE MISSED.

That every time I go by your "place" I will have a little tug at my heart, and have a little smile when I

think of our good times, and I will hope that whoever moves there will love our neighborhood and

we can make new memories with them.

But still, YOU WILL BE MISSED....