Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I'm the Queen of Starting Over Week One

So here I am.

Hanging out with my friend Stephanie Tolson.

Getting measured,  getting my body fat measured ( sweet baby Jesus I can't even believe it! Get this thing away from me!) writing down that stupid number that shouldn't but can be so defeating when you look at it.

In a gym.

Doing ball squats.

Doing standing push ups.

Riding the stationary bike.

Short of breath, sweaty, but with my eye on the tiger.

Cause I'm the Queen of starting over.

I'm sharing this for a lot of reasons. I'm sharing it because since I was 12 I was obsessed with being skinny.

I have gained and lost enough pounds to probably equal a small army.

I starved, took pills, worked out obsessively, and dieted.

OH the diets....Cabbage diet, Dolly Parton Diet, Oprah's diets, Potato Diet, Atkins Diet, The Zone, all kinds of Doctor diets, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil. Dr. Feelgood. OK not Dr. Feelgood...

Eat for your blood type, eat right for the season, eat like the Bedouins, eat like Moses.

The Mediterranean diet, the regional diet, the South Beach diet.

I have danced with Richard Simmons, joined several gyms, Zumba-ed, Boombahed, worked out at home, Jazzercised in and out of the water. I have logged enough miles on a treadmill and stationary bike I could have circled the United States.

Ive been everything from a size 7 at my smallest to a size 26 at my highest and spent a fortune on clothes.

I have never felt like I was the right size. Even one summer when I was 18  and I got strep from starving myself and got down to 115 pounds for about ten minutes. I did know what it was like to have a flat stomach and get attention in a bikini to be Blondie and tan but never felt like I measured up. Not the way I thought I should.

I never had thigh gap, I never had those elevated collar bones, I never had those legs where you could see the knees and shin bones when you crossed them.

I have struggled so much especially the last ten years. I have been up and down ( mostly up actually) worked out with several different trainers all of them good at what they do incorporating dancing and boxing and working my ass off,  keeping their game face on as I leaned over a trash bag gagging.

I got fit. I lost 45 pounds. I got strong. I could ride my bike for hours and enjoy it even though it was hard.

But at some point I always fall off the wagon.

My trainer retired to have a baby so I just quit. I just gave up and surrendered to that voice in my head that made all the excuses. Its too hot,  its too cold, I'm too busy....I'm too tired.

I put the pounds back on and gave up.

But the other day I was thinking about how I missed riding my bike and being outside and feeling GOOD  and heard this song and it was like a bolt out of the blue, heres what she said...

 "The Queen of Starting Over" by Beverley Knight

"In every life a little rain must fall, there ain't nothing perfect, don't put yourself on hold, the earth is turning and it will turn again, I can tell you cause it happened to me child the world don't end,

I'm the Queen of starting over

you can put the crown on me

right on me

right here

I'm the Queen of starting over

take your life where you want it to be


Sometimes things just come together you know?

My good friend Stephanie Tolson at Evolution Fitness told me she would be my personal trainer and get me back on track.

So here I am me and a heart filled with hope, and determination in my back pocket, starting over.

So if you'd like to follow my journey I'll be posting them as "The Queen of Starting Over".

Peace out...

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