Sunday, June 1, 2014

Everybody does it. *warning body functions*

My poor friend. She ended up in the ER. She had horrible back pain and cramping and felt like she was going to die. After they did some tests they figured out she was full of poop. Now we all knew she was full of it hypothetically speaking but to actually, really , be full of it to that point was awful. So every day she posted something about poop on her facebook wall. She said yesterday she and a lady talked about poop for ten minutes.

You know Dr. Oz talks about poop all the time too on his show. He says it should look like a S. So I guess if that's your initial you can have monogrammed poop. I think everyone at some point should be a little obsessed with body functions. You know we just take the whole poopin and peein thing for granted.

 I have another friend who talks about pee allot. She admitted on Dr. Oz that she pees in the shower. One time she went in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub to rinse her feet and accidentally peed her pants. Then she had to take an entire shower all over again. I always heard if you stuck someones hand in warm water they'd pee. But they had to be asleep.

But go figure it would happen to my pal Minivan Momma, Heather Smith Davis. ( She has all these funny books talking about it, one of my favorites is called TMI Mom Oversharing My Life )

I DO NOT take those body functions for granted.

Right after I gave birth to my son I couldn't pee.

No matter what I did. I tried the warm shower, I tried thinking of waterfalls, I wiggled and squirmed and still nothing. I cried, begged and pleaded with my body. NADA.

I was in the hospital for 4 days because I couldn't pee. Let me tell you having a cath taken out and put back in every day was torture. Everything was WORKING I just couldn't get it out. I called my church friend Suzanne and asked her to have everyone pray for me to pee so I could go home. I thought maybe divine intervention would help. Finally Sunday morning after they pulled the tube out I went in the bathroom and sat there and just imagined what it felt like when you have drank allot of beer and you need to pee.

 I was meditating on peeing like a Buddhist monk trying to levitate. I tranced out and was concentrating so hard on nothing but peeing I didn't even hear the phone ring in my room.  I swear the toilet may have raised off the ground a few inches.

And all of a sudden SWEET VICTORY! It was just a teeny bit but it was something. After a little bit of time I went again and the nurse came in took a look and said "Yep you peed you get to go home!"

I found out later while I was in the bathroom my friend Suzanne had called to tell me she was out at the fence line of her pasture looking at her cows and praying for me to pee and all of a sudden ole Bossy just peed like crazy right in front of her and she said " GOD let Suz pee just like that!"  Coincidence? I think not.

So when you give birth they start you on these stool softeners right away. Because when you push something the size of a watermelon out of a place the size of a coffee cup it kinda traumatizes you innards. And let me tell you all that stuff you use for peein and poopin is right there in the same place so its ALL tender for a long while.

Conor was a week old and our friend Carol was hanging out with him so we could just get out of the house and run to Target real quick. We go in grab some stuff and I have to pee so I run on in and wouldn't you know after a week of nothin I have to go. Like number 2.  I'm mortified. I know that this is going to be like Jack Bauer on 24 and I'm going to be beat all to hell and a mess before its over but how do you stop a train?

I'm sitting there, and I start sweating, like a marathon runner. Oh Sweet baby Jesus its hurtin. Then someone comes in and is in the stall next to me. I really really want to groan and bang my head into the door but I instead start trying to think of something else and that line from Alien pops into my head, you know the one "In space no one can hear you scream?' Only I would have changed it to "In pain in the public bathroom and you can't scream." Well maybe it was the hormones but I started to laugh. But I had to do it silently so I didn't traumatize this person. So there I am, silently laughing, pushing, sweating, and feeling like I'm giving birth again.

Finally that person left. And I hear the door and Larry says "Uh Honey are you OK?" And I say "Uh yeah I'll be out in a minute." After what felt like an eternity I finally managed to get it all over with. That was a relief like I have never known. Almost as big a relief as having a baby. ALMOST.

As I washed my hands I looked at myself in the mirror. My ponytail was falling down, with frizzies all over and hair was strung everywhere like I'd been riding in a convertible. My face was red and puffy and sweaty, I had mascara all under my eyes, I was literally a hot mess. I had sweat stains under my arms and I needed a shower. I splashed my face and tried to smooth my ponytail back up.

When I came out I saw Larry. He was sitting in a lawn chair with a book. He had made himself at home. He looked startled when he saw me what I looked like but being a good husband he just smiled, and talking really sweet like you do to a dog that might bite he said, "You OK?"

Me: "Yeah but it was bad, I know I was in there for awhile we better get home."

Larry: "Uh honey you were in there for a hour."

Me: "Well I need some peas. Lots of frozen peas."

Larry: "Cause that will help you poop?"

Me :"No because I'm going to take them home and sit on them."

And I meant it....

Now I understand why as my friend puts it "Old people talk about poop all the time."

Lesson learned.

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