Monday, February 10, 2014

I hate Valentines Day

So where exactly WAS this guy all those years?

The other day my Mom informed me in my dating life I was "really Picky". I got to thinking about and I guess I did have certain standards when I was in my teens and twenties.

They were:

Single, Cute, Working, Smart, Funny, my age, liked music, books, partying, dancing, had own place.

I had dates, but not a boyfriend. So when I got in my mid twenties I changed my standards a little.

Single, cute, working, smart, funny, music, books, own place.

 I was bored and started taking guitar lessons and ended up dating my guitar teacher for about a year. He was all of those things EXCEPT he was about 35 going on fifty. He was so serious. He was vegetarian and was Whole Foods before it was popular. He lectured me constantly on the importance of a "clean colon " and told me I should have a colonic. I didn't want to look dumb so I looked it up and could not believe someone would actually VOLUNTARILY get one of those *google it, and I was slightly offended about being told I could possibly be full of shit, according to this guy.

If I ate anything he considered unhealthy I would chew gum before I got to his house. I was like a drug addict hiding my chocolate addiction.

Now don't get me wrong he introduced me to some things I might never have tried. He had lived in India and would make Indian food, (good) listen to some smooth jazz ( really good) and give me massages ( super awesome good!) he was so smart there just was not much that he didn't know about which was a huge turn on SOMETIMES.

 But sometimes it was not so fun. Like when I'd be telling him about a beautiful make up trend I'd mastered and how accomplished I felt and he'd say " You do realize women should not wear all that make up?"  It was like talking to someone who'd gone to Berkeley and majored in Women's studies talking down to you from the top of the Empire State building.

Even standing around like this didn't work
 I finally had enough of his "Sometimes I think your dumb" moments when one Valentines date night  he told me my eyelids looked like a butterfly ( and not in a good way) and that he didn't like to see my lipstick on my wine glass. I finally figured out  I was more "Stevie Nicks DIVA Hippie" than hairy armpit, no make up wearing live in a tee pee hippie like he was looking for.

So we broke up -  Happy Valentines Day to nobody....

In my 30s I went though a long dry spell. I couldn't get a boyfriend to save my life. Even relaxing my standards to Single and breathing and only living in your parents basement didn't help much.

I worked with a bunch of women in cosmetics, and all those Valentines Days I watched as the Flowers came, I smiled and nodded and gritted my teeth ( bitter much  um YES)  the talks of where they were going on their date or their weekend, what they were wearing, oh and God help me the MARRIAGE PROPOSALS.

 Every Valentines someone would say with the big eyes and pouty pushed out lips "Please work for me so I can fly to LAS Vegas on his private jet and get married to my boyfriend who looks just like John Mayer, and sings like him, and gave me this ginormous ring and filled my house with roses and bought the entire Godiva chocolate factory for me." EVERY STINKIN YEAR.

Finally I decided that I was just going to say no. I was going to rent a bunch of movies and just stay home since it was my weekend off. I would not have to see all the Valentines SHIT and brou haha that was going on or listen to it I could just have a pity party table for one AT HOME!

My single hot next door neighbor said he'd join me in a show of solidarity because he was sick of "love day" too. That Friday night he came over with two bags of Hershey's Chocolate kisses and three bottles of Champagne. We snuggled in on the couch in sweats and under blankets ( we were not dating because his standards were  he liked boys who looked like Jon Hamm from Mad Men) and proceeded to drink Champagne and eat candy and watch Sunset Boulevard. About an hour into the movie his phone started ringing. This was before cell phones but he lived next door and we could hear it ringing incessantly, answering machine would get it, then it would start all over again. Finally he said "I'm going to go see who it is I'll be right back."

I hear him talking but can't make it out. About twenty minutes later he comes back and he's dressed to the nines and smelling like the Men's Fragrance counter at Foleys probably because that's where we worked. An "old Friend" wanted to take him to dinner. I could see he felt awful about leaving me his work/neighbor wife  but didn't REALLY want to stay home when he could go out with some hot guy for a free fancy meal and maybe some hot smicky smacky afterwards. So I put on my brave face and said "Sure go ahead you look so handsome have a wonderful time." After he left I called Dominoes and ordered pizza. A LARGE PIZZA. When it got there I finished off the bottle of Champagne and 1/2 of the pizza. Then I thought "Well who cares these are the only kisses I will be getting so I'll have some more of these, and another bottle of Champagne."

I heard my friends key in my lock and woke up the next morning with chocolate smeared on my shirt, a coffee cup with Champagne in it by my head, red foil Hershey's wrappers stuck to my cheek, and the Mother Trucker of all hangovers. I looked like a cross between Nora Desmond and someone with the smokey eye look who'd been crying all night. I felt like I'd been run over by a disco bus full of Rockettes who were kicking me in the side of the head every time my heart would beat.  When that morning sun hit me I moaned like Dracula and buried my head under the sofa pillow.

After he shut the door he pulled off the pillow brought me a wet washcloth and  extended a peace offering. Two Excedrin and a liter of Ice Cold Sprite. What an angel of mercy. How could I be mad?

It was not long after that I met this Man who was so nice and funny I felt comfortable enough to tell him my wicked secret. That I hated Valentines Day. I hated how all the girls at work got Daisies ( my favorite)  and candy and jewelry and expected me to drop everything and work for them because I was single so how could I possibly have anything to do on Valentines day. poor poor no date havin girl. I was just going to get some Girl Scout Cookies and go home and watch TV.

He laughed and said 'Well you can never get in anyplace that night anyway so just come over and we can have a bite at my house."
Valentines not Valentines kiss

I came over in jeans and a ponytail. He met me in a  smart suit coat. We went in and he had made this wonderful candlelight  mexician ( my favorite) dinner, there were Daisies in a vase ( my favorite) on the table.  After we ate, he handed me two boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. I laughed and said "You got me cookies for Valentines Day that's so funny!" I opened it up fully expecting thin mints but instead it was some CD's of my favorite music. 
He had given me the best gift of all.

He had listened. He had remembered all my favorites with his "special girl dinner" and I decided I loved him.

So I married him.

And I buy HIM *WINK* Girl Scout cookies every year.


  1. I remember that guy the vegetarian. I think we may have had a few differences a couple of times. I thought he was punishing himself eating those veggie weenie's. So on the other side I wish I had listened to him a little closer back then. He was very healthy, had beautiful skin, and never a weight problem. He was just an one of those people who really believed in what he did. He really had a good mind. I wish I could be as dedicated to as he was to the choices he made for his life. He probably still looks 20.

  2. On the other hand I am so HAPPY YOU MARRIED WHO YOU DID.