On the morning my son was born the automatic hospital bed got stuck on the highest setting and would not come back down. Myself being in the throes of serious hard labor did not give a shit where the bed was in space and just wanted to get the sideways watermelon that was stuck in there to come OUT NOW.
Monica: Feeling better?
Me: Oh yeah can I have some more of that that's marvelous...
Monica: Um no we want Conor to be breathing when he comes out.
The Dr. arrived right as Conor was crowning and started doing this thing to stretch me out and I yelled at him "WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT I WANT MONICA!!!"
They realized he had the cord around his neck and mid push said "Stop stop!" I thought "How do your stop a runaway train going down hill? I Can't!"
Larry says in his sternest voice "STOP SUZANNE!"
So I did, I stopped pushing while they moved the cord from around his neck so he could breathe.
I fell back and thought "I just can't do it." My precious mother leaned over and took my face in her hands and said" Just one more push honey he's almost here come on..." I really didn't have any choice as that Tsunami came about and she was right out he plopped into the hands of the Dr. standing on the step stool at the end of the bed.
They hustled that little blue baby boy over to the table and started in on him rubbing and jostling and giving oxygen. I was so scared and tired and I kept saying " I don't hear him..." Finally he cried. And cried and cried...
Finally his Daddy put his hand on him and said "Don't cry Conor." And he quit.
I got to hold him for a minute and it was a slice of heaven, I smiled at Larry and my parents happy the baby didn't come out of my spine or look like a watermelon just like a little smushed up baby burrito. I was not hurting much just really TIE-RED.
Those drugs were goo-ood. They made me feel like I was all floaty so I had a nap with my mouth open and drooling while a maintenance guy came and tried to get the bed down.
Next thing I know Monica is telling me I have to get out of bed and go get cleaned up. The epi had kicked in and my legs felt like a bowl of jello then I looked over the side of that bed to see a ladder , A LADDER mind you.
I who had just surfed Mavericks, climbed Mt. Everest, ran the Boston Marathon, ( OK it just felt like that) was going to climb down a ladder holding my IV bag in one hand and the ladder side in the other. I was so doped up I had a moment of "Can I do this?" but then lost my mind and I just clambered down
The next week we were watching my favorite show ER and they were delivering a baby and guess what happened? Yep it was about a stuck bed and a Doc on a stepladder.
Who woulda thunk it...