Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Bringing Sexy Back

I fell in love in Dillard's Lingerie Dept. I was 18 and looking for a new bra on the sale rack and there it was. A beautiful silk camisole and matching pantie in blue with taupe lace and a matching teddy. All on sale. All in my size. I was meant to have it. It was my new secret love.

Back when I was flirty and thirty  I worked for Clinique and had to wear that Long Serious looking Lab Coat all day every day it made me feel better to know I had on a red lacy push up bra on under it. It was not without mishaps however as one time I was walking through a cafe after lunch and my friend behind me said "You dropped something." And proceeded to hand me the  red pad or cookie as they were called that went in my bra in full view of everyone.  Mortified I decided I'd start wearing not padded bras to work. I would have been less embarrassed if it had fallen out in a bar. I could have just blamed it on someone else. "No what I don't know what that is some new kind of paper napkin?"

Its the 80's and I live in Florida and
my tall skinny beautiful friend Deb comes in and says" Look at my new underwear my  flavor of the month  boyfriend brought me."

  Curious I obligingly went into the bathroom and she pulls up her skirt and shows me the skimpiest undies I have ever seen in my life. Barely enough of a triangle to cover the front and a mere string up her backside. It looked like an eye patch if the eye was on a baby.

Me: "What the hell is that for real?"

Deb: "Yes its called a thong, and he bought me a bikini too."

Me: "A bikini?"

Deb: "Yep we are going to the beach tomorrow no more tan lines."

Me: " You are going to wear it in public?"

Deb " Well yes I look good in it."

After that it seemed like every time I went to the beach all I saw was thongs. My Mom went for a walk with me and this woman in front of us had one on and my mom so eleoquently described it "Walking behind Nine miles of bad road."

I decided then and there I would NEVER EVER wear one of those.

 Shooting forward its 2000 and I had been a mom for about 6 months and decided that I wanted to bring the sexy back for my sweet hubby. I went to the store and looking at the piles of silkies decided that well maybe I could just TRY to wear a thong. After all if I would not be wearing it every day just for date night. So I ask the lady "Do you wear these which one is most comfy?" she picks out a pair and assures me these are the most comfy and sexy my hubby will like them.

I go home spend all this time getting prettified for date night and put on the thong and the bra and it was not that bad. I don't look 18 but I look good I feel nice its all lacy and silky. Im looking in the mirror with my hands on my hips and  in walks my husband. He gets this grin on his face. Not a "OOOH Baby" grin more like a something hilarious grin. Now I'm annoyed.

Me: "Why are you grinning, do I look ridiculous?"

Him: "NO I just thought you hated thongs and would never wear one, swore you would never wear one."

I said "Ima try it out." as I pulled on my levis and my shirt.

Even the mannequin hates them
We go out and get in the car and they are already ridin up.  What felt like ninety pounds of fabric. I wiggled a little and when we got to the theatre I went to the bathroom and adjusted them that was all better and then went back out swearing I could get used to it.

 I sat down and there it was again.I realized it was because of the sitting down. I wiggled a little trying to get adjusted. I swiveled my butt on that seat like I was trying to polish it. If I'd been standing up I'd have looked like a hooch dancer in a sideshow. It felt like I had a sleeping bag in my pants.

 I finally went to the bathroom and took those damn wedgie monster butt floss panties off and put them in the trash. When I came back my hubby laughed and said "Feel better?  I said "Yep nothin but me and my Levis."

He said "Pass the popcorn SEXY." and winked.


  1. I've decided it was a man who invented thongs. Sex crazed maniacs, I can't stand thongs either.

  2. Haahaaa Jenn your so funny. I believe high heels, thongs, and fish nets were all invented by the a sadist. A SADIST!

  3. I think a very plump female has the know how to design underwear that will be lovely and comfortable. Does anyone ask her what works? Get a bunch of plump mid 25 to 45 year olds and map them. Study them and really come up with the lovely undies that these women are smart enough to wear. This is the feel good, I love my body and its good to me, generation. Some one out there could make some big bucks.