So as some of you know I have struggled with fear a lot in my life. I have some pretty fucked up voices in my head that really no amount of therapy, praying or shutting down will get rid of. Along with my naturally curly hair I also got thick legs and the fat gene which was tough but I learned a long time ago how to hide it. You would never know that behind that raucous laugh and vibrant smile is a person who sing like Lenny Kravitz "I want to get away, I want to flyyyy away...."
But something funny has happened to me.... Last year I left a job where I had been for 12 years and didn't have anything else lined up and the entire world didn't collapse. And then I found another job that I love and its SO SO GOOD!
And I started saying "Screw it I'm doing shit that scares me... those voices can talk all they want I'm still doing it."
See 4 years ago after walking with my 9 year old Conor and husband Larry in a kids Marathon Conor asked if I would walk a 5K with him. Any 5K. He didn't care which one. I said OK.
I said "Yes."
See I figured he'd forget or it wouldn't really be something he wanted to do. Not REALLY.
Famous last words.
Every year he would bring it up. "Are we going to do the Memorial Marathon this year Mom?" Every year I had some excuse. The real reason was I was AFRAID, I was AFRAID to admit I was AFRAID.
I was afraid of what people would think about this 50 year old woman, I was afraid I'd get too tired and wouldn't be able to finish, I was afraid I couldn't do it. 3 miles does not seem like much to most people. But when you are out of shape , have bad knees, and are as big as I am even one mile feels like a long way.
3 MILES? Now do you see why I wanted to fly AWAY?
Then last spring it seemed like all of a sudden everyone I knew was doing 5k s all over the place. And all these pictures of the Color Me Rad looked like well, THE SHIT! How much fun would that be? Hanging out with my kid getting crazy colored powder thrown at us, funky costumes, every body having a great time. So I decided that was our 5K.
I signed us up in Feb. 2013 And I started walking. I walked in the basketball court at the Community center down the street. Two to three times a week at 8AM I'd get in there. Then one of the girls who worked there started walking with me sometimes. She would talk and talk to me about her Mom who had Cancer and her husband and how much she wanted a baby ...And I would be panting and feel like I was going to fall over but I did a half a mile.
And sometimes if I didn't get there til 9AM I'd run into this sweet Lady named Miss Laura who walks everyday and she would talk and talk about being retired and she had a funny little girl voice because one time she was holding a straight pin in her mouth and sucked it into her lung and had to have surgery to get it out and almost died but she said "I just knew death WAS NOT to be for me." I would listen because God knows I could not talk I could barely breathe and before I knew it I had walked a mile...
Then the weather got nicer. So I called my neighbor and we got the dog and the baby and walked all around the capitol complex while she talked to me about walking in Europe and how she knew her husband loved to cook and they wanted to have a little food truck someday. And before you knew it we had done a mile and a little bit more. And I could breathe.
Sometimes the voices would say "You will get really sore and tired, you walked yesterday." And "I'd say screw that I'll go to Yoga afterwards." And I did. SO SO GOOD.
I even confessed to my Facebook friends I was scared and they were all so kind and encouraging and kept telling me "YOU GOT THIS!" And before you knew it it was time for the Color Me Rad...
Saturday we got up put on party clothes and hit the fairgrounds.
We danced, Conor threw blue powder all over me even right in my ear. I saw my pals the Whitneys and made sure to get them messy.
It was a beautiful day and then we were off. We got about half way through Larry popped up out of nowhere and took pictures of us. Further on was a little harder but it was worth it to listen to Conor chattering away next to me about school and music and comic books and Zombies HA!
About 3/4 of the way through I looked at him and said "I'm pretty sure we need to just take a shortcut." He said "Nope you can't you'd be mad later." and he took my hand.
I was getting really tired and slower, I just really felt like I was barely walking. I looked up ahead and there were my friends Derrick and Sarah. They had finished but come back to wait on us. She slipped over to my side and put her arm around me and said "Almost there, hang in there you can do this." We all slipped into the big purple cloud Conor and Derrick running , me and Sarah right behind.
And then there it was the finish line.
I had walked to that finish line with Krystal, Miss Laura, Sarah, Sandi, Larry, Conor, The Whitneys, and all the others who had told me I could and I listened.
My new bucket list is easy, "DO EPIC SHIT"....Right on and amen.