Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Smells Like Pickles and the Keystone Cops

I mopped today and afterward remembered reading dogs hate the smell of vinegar so decided to get all organic and mop the kitchen floor with it so they might stay out. Still in my PJ's and workshirt  I reached up on the highest cabinet shelf and grabbed the jug. As it tipped into my hand the top popped off, realizing whats about to happen I open my mouth to utter a exclamation like" oops" ( yeah right anyone who knows me knows it would be way worse) and as I breathe in the vinegar splashes out of the jug, into my face and open mouth (where I inhale it ) and all down my arm and front of my workshirt, and onto the floor. I am coughing like someone has sprayed me with pepper spray and the smell euuugghhhh. So i go to the sink and rinse my face and mouth and catch my breath and then just burst out laughing hysterically.I knew that I was a mess. Thank goodness Conor has the TV on or he would have thought I lost my mind. 
After putting whats left of the jug away I just mop up  and realizing my  workshirt is reeking like a deli pickle barrell I take it down to the basement to throw in the washer. While Im down there I hear the neighbors burglur alarm going off. SHIT are you kidding me?
 I throw the workshirt in the wash run upstairs grab my cell phone and a jacket and realize I hear the door opening  Conor is no place to be found. I finally find him with the broom in the driveway. I dont know what he thought he was doing maybe SWEEP the bad guy off his feet ,  but I told him to get in the house before I beat him to death with the broom,  I call 911  I tell them I dont know the house number they ask me for my info and I tell them I will go watch for them at the burglar alarm  house. 
I march off around the corner to the house and stand by the driveway , then my neighbor who lives there  drives up and tells me the alarm company had called him, and I tell him the police should be coming. 
I see the police but she's not seeing me, so I jump up and down waving my hand and arm trying to get her attention and she just passes right by me. What I didnt know was the officer went to our house trying to get the house number and totally freaked poor Conor out he was cowering in the TV room with the dogs thinking the burgler was knocking on the door, My neighbor is on the phone and when he comes near me he looks at me funny and goes back to his back door which resembles a stepped on cardboard box (sheesh whoever did that has Godzilla feet)  and I am trying to tell the 911 dispatcher the address and watching the police car drive by , where I launch into my arm waving dance yet again. You have to realize Im standing in the drive of a house on North Lincolc, about two blocks away from our state capitol building, with tons of cars driving past staring at the crazy redhaired lady in her special outfit waving a cell phone. After talking to My husband who called because Conor called him three times in five minutes and the police officer they finally pull up outside the house. My neighbor and I are standing in the drive when this young pretty amazon police officer pulls out her gun and she and the other officer go into the house. I told my neighbor "hey I like that lamp." and he says" Hey I like that she pulled out her piece!" ( girls and guns does something to guys I guess) and Im laughing at him. The alarm is going off again and it stops and thats  when I hear one of the cops say "smells like pickles." I realize Im dressed in my pjs, houseshoes, a windbreaker ,my hair is crazy AND I am wearing vinegar fresh and punguent. 
I back slowly up and say" Um can I go now my kid is at home..."
Needless to say when I get home and walk in Conor says "You still smell like pickles."
Sheesh no good deed goes unpunished.


  1. I laughed so hard at the "smells like pickles" comment!!! Funny story. Once I went to Mexico and came home with a bottle of Tequila in my suitcase. When we were walking to our car in the airport parking lot I said, "I smell margaritas". Got home to find my bottle of tequila was broken and spilled all over my clothing. Yup...there was the margarita I smelled!

  2. I'd rather smell like a Margarita or Gin and Tonic than pickles! What a shame about that bottle of Tequila GIRL!