Wednesday, February 27, 2013

It aint my fault

So I have always had a really good imagination. I still do. I cant watch anything about ghosts at night because it makes me scared to go in the basement even with all the lights on. I just know that when I turn my back to the wall, reach out and turn out the light, bend to pick up the laundry basket something clammy and gross and scary is gonna snatch me by the shoulder into the dark. I can't tell you how many times I have barked my shins and toes running up the  concrete stairs, or worse made my husband go to the basement with me. I can't watch anything loosley based on true events about Demons because it freaks me out and makes me dream Im going to be have to fight a demon, it causes me to dream these dreams where I carry two giant bottles of  holy water and pour it on peoples heads or on dolls ( yes one dream was about dolls) or on anything really probably even pizza to drive out the evil and then when it comes out its all giant and black and loud and scary and I wake up feeling like Im about 9 years old again. One time I watched a fake documentary/movie  FAKE NOT REAL on a serial killer and laid awake the entire night wondering if I could possibly have pissed someone off in Jr. High enough to cause them to go around killing girls with blond curly hair named Suzie just to get satisfaction til they could find me.
I have done some crazy shit because I was scared. These are probably the top three.

Silence of the Lambs-Slept 3 nights in the closet with my cat

Blair Witch Project- Laid awake all night even tho Larry was right next to me.

Exorcist - Went all through my house praying , annointed the doorways (  I didnt know how it worked for holy oil so so I just prayed over some lemon  Oil furniture polish  and used it on the entire doorway)

But heres the deal. I really am going to blame my psychological damage on my cousins. See I didnt have any older brothers or sisters so I thought the cousins were the coolest people on the planet when I was 7 and loved being with them .

 My Mama took me on a trip to my Old Grannys house out in the country. My older cousins were there and in charge of taking care of me. Well after a full day of running wild through old barns, making mudpies, hiking through creeks and mud and weeds , you know all the fun stuff you do in the country, they checked me for ticks, washed me up real good and sat on the front porch with me.

They started telling scary stories. After about 5 minutes I said I dont want to hear this I want to go in, my cousin  took me to the back screened in porch where she said "Now run really fast so the under the bed monster cant get you, I'll keep watch!" I ran and jumped like a acrobat in the Cirque De Soliel and landed on that big high old fashioned bed. She turned out the light and went to the living room.

I'd been asleep for about an hour when all of a sudden I heard the most god awful noise and there was a monster outside clawing the screens trying to get in! First it was at the end of the porch, then the door, then the window by the bed. Well I screamed like a banshee. I screamed loud enough you could hear me across the county I was so scared I thought I'd pee the bed, and I couldnt escape because of the under the bed monster. There was a stampede of people running,  first in was my mama she had the broom, next was my Old granny who was carrying her cane like a sword and flipped on the light , and then all the cousins came running in hands over thier mouths eyes wide, guilty looks on thier faces. My Granny said "What is it, what happened?" I managed to sob out about the monster she turned on the outside light and then went out the back door. That really scared me (as my Aunt Glenda likes to say the pee waddlin cush outta me)  After a few seconds she came back in carrying "THE MONSTER". It had giant glowing green eyes, long sharp talons, a mouth full of teeth, and was purring up a storm. It was a huge long haired marmalade cat, my Aunts cat Taffy, who when she saw me in there, wanted me to let her in so she was crying and hanging off the screen. My granny plopped that cat on the bed and told me she would keep away any monsters, kissed me and turned out the light. I slept with that cat against me all night. I guess I figured if the under the bed monster came we would have a better chance two agsinst one:)


  1. I had no idea you were so much like me. Never walk up and touch me on my jumpy days or I will karate chop you into next week.