Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Little Miss Red Shoes

I have become less of a dressy uppy girl over the last couple of years. If its my day off your more likely to find me in a pair of jeans and tennis shoes, no make up and a ponytail than all dolled up. I have become more reluctant to wear dresses as well. I dont mind a long skirt,  it keeps your butt covered if you have to lean over but its just easier to move around in pants than a dress most of the time.

That changed this month. I was looking for something pretty to wear to our company Christmas party. Im looking around a website and click on Holiday wear and there it is. A red satin ruffly dress. AWWWWHHHHHHHH a chorus of angelic voices in my ears and beams of starlight shooting into my eyeballs....

 I love red.  I used to wear red all the time! When I was a kid I traded my little loafers with another little girl for her sparkly red wizard of OZ shoes. We forgot to trade back and that night I got my butt whooped but I was inflamed with glamour while I had those shoes on. It broke my heart to give them back. When I looked at those shoes I was transported to another state of being. I could dance like a Rockette, sparkle like a diamond, and fight flying monkeys with a basket. And looking oh so pretty the entire time.

Then I heard it "THE VOICE". You know the one. The one that sits back on her comfy chair filing her nails and looking perfect like a picture from a magazine I call her "Miss Perception"

"Oh look doesn't that dress look fun. That girl she's so young, tan and pretty! AND FIRM>>> OOOOO that red satin its so clingy thats gonna show some figure flaws you will have more rock and roll than a Bon Jovi concert in New Jersey! More lumps than a WWE Midget wrestling match taking place under a blanket. And well isnt it a bit young for you? Maybe you should just wear that long sleeved red shirt again with your black pants. And well you know you will need to wear some flats you can't wear heels with those old lady knees of yours. Really DEAR don't put yourself through it..."

I sat for a moment and thought about it. Well yeah she's right red, clingy, heels. Maybe not.

But then that little girl wearing those red sparkly shoes jumped out and said "HEY SHUT UP BITCH SHE CAN WEAR IT IF SHE WANTS!"

So off I went into cyber world and ordered my sparkly red party frock and some  under armor spanx to pack it all in and a super bra to push it all up.  I got it all ordered and waited excitedly!

And a week later I went to pick it up at the store and try it on and dadauh I actually had to go down a size in the dress! YEAH!

SO that night when I was getting dressed I put on the spanx panties  first. It was like trying to pull up a wet onepiece rubber swimsuit while someone else was pulling it down. After allot of twisting, grabbing and wiggling around I finally got it up. WOW. All the way up right under the boobs. I have not been that firm since I was in my wedding dress 14 years ago. In fact that may have been the last time I actually wore a dressy dress. I worked up a sweat so I had to go dab my brow and next was the bra. After I finally got the sisters situated into the mangler I had a set of pillows I could rest a wine glass on like my own little airplane tray...

Then I realized I didnt have any hose. Shit its 630 pm on sunday the store is closed. So I go digging around in my drawers. All I can find is a pair of white tights for my halloween costume, some striped thigh highs for my pirate costume and a pair of nude thigh highs from 1994  that I could only get up to my knees...

"See I told you you should have picked pants."  Miss perception said smugly rolling her eyes.

"Oh please just put a bunch of lotion on and go bare legged its not the end of the world this is sparkly dress night!" little red shoes said. Then she grabbed Miss P, and shoved her under the bed.

 I found some Chanel and rubbed that on my bare legs and then I straightened my dress, put on my red lipstick, put on those black wedge heels and nervously walked downstairs to be greeted by  the wowees of my brother, hubby, son and nephew. After posing for some prom pics we were off.

I looked pretty with my favorite accessory ( my husband) ,  sparkly earrings and some big hair, not wobbling in my heels like I was afraid of  falling over , struttin out feelin fine. Got to the Party everybody just about fell over because I was in my finery. It was AWESOME! I had some wine feelin fine!

Me and Jodi doing our movie star laughs

Then had to go to the bathroom. Yep. Battlefield.

Oh the spanx they roll down OK but getting them back up from the roll? Well lets put it this way after the last giant tug I had a  wedgie all the way up to my armpits and spent another 5 minutes getting everything back to where it was supposed to be.  Then I had to pull and tug and resituate the dress lining.  I imagine that was akin to a old time cattle drive getting everything back into place.  Actually that was the only downside. Well that and my legs were really cold on the car seat.  But the hub he is a good guy went out and warmed up the car for the ride home...

My bodyguard
So Im going to another party Saturday night. With my BFF Margie. Gonna make her dress up and curl her hair.

 Red dresses must go out on the town....

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