Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Fear

I have lived allot of my life with fear. The first time I remember being really afraid was one time when my Mom asked if I wanted to stay all night with my grandparents, I was maybe 6, and I said sure. As she pulled out of the driveway I was gripped by a burst of feeling that if she left I would never see her again and went hollering out the screen door and running to the car door where I fell skinning my knees on the driveway and sobbing not to be left. I don't really know what caused it I just know it was so powerful I didn't care  about anything just that I had to go.
I have done some crazy things because of fear like one time I was in the grocery store and left an entire basket of stuff in the aisle because I just knew I forgot to lock the front door. I went home and you guessed it, locked.

Fear has caused me to build walls around myself and miss out on some wonderful things......








Fear has always been there and demands to be fed which is usually turns up with me trying desperatly to control the people and environment around me. I know logically that I cannot REALLY control anything but me however it doesn't matter I still do it. I worry. I worry about my health, I worry about my job and wonder if I will have to work until I fall over dead in old age because thier won't be enough money for us to retire. I worry about Conor what if he can't get into a good school or he does drugs or gets hurt, or gets someone pregnant or worst of all grows up hating his crazy controlling mother. I worry that Larry will get hurt or die or LEAVE me. I worry about my parents and the health care system and social security. I know its horrible to worry and  I have tried so hard to not be a worrier that I worry about that as well. One night I was sitting in the TV room in the dark after a ice storm and wondered if I could see my fear what would it look like? So I took a picture of the window. It was freezing cold, icy and kind of dark except for the outside lampost which accentuated the sharp edges of the coated branches. I think the phrase in the grip of icy fear is appropriate.


I did seriously consider this whole fear thing and wrestled it like Jacob and the angel for years when it finally dawned on me. You don't master fear. You don't control it like a dog on a leash it will grab you and shake you or else you won't be able to move because you are FROZEN by it. I wondered what if I just let the fear come, but walked through it to whatever was on the other side.

I have learned it WILL NOT KILL ME. I will not die because Im afraid. I have a great comforter in my life that has always been there and just waits like a Queens swordsman to help me through and its name is FAITH....

Faith cuts away through all the bullshit excuses that it might hurt or upset someones world or cause pain even physical pain to me, or people will judge me or whatever might be the WORRY of the week thats laying on my heart like a giant weight....



Faith is the open gate waiting to be walked through....





Faith in GOD that he will give me grace to come though whatever I enounter in this journey, faith in my husband that he loves me and I can trust him and I believe he will walk through that door and into this house. Faith that Conor will learn and grow and recieve what he needs from me and yes I will make some shitty mistakes but he will survive and learn from the world what he needs to in order to thrive and he will have pain and heartache and joy as he grows up into a man. Faith that my parents made it into this world without my help and made choices that affect thier lives as well but that I am here now and can offer them comfort and support  as they grow older and that most events outside myself  happen and are  shaped beyond me or my understandings....

As George Michael put it so eloquently, " You gotta have faith..."



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