Monday, June 27, 2011




I have a generous heart but Im not very sympathetic to ablebodied people who beg.  It annoys me because I would do anything before I would beg. I would clean truck stop bathrooms and flip burgers. I would wash your dog. I would have to be very desperate to panhandle. I have heard so much about panhandlers who park a nice car two blocks away and then sit in dirty clothes and beg all day and then drive home. I also know they spend it on booze, or drugs sometimes. I have been hornswoggled  enough times myself that Im suspicious of most of them.  I have even made jokes about it. I told Larry once that "you'd make more money if you had a dog...."

Today driving home from the Dr. with Conor I saw a man with a sign on the corner and I thought, "Oh no I hope I don't get a red light and have to sit with this guy staring at me, he looks fine why doesn't he have a job? Sheesh I hope he doesn't come up to my car with a bucket of Dixie Sticks..." I was happy when the light turned green and I could just turn left and head down the road. But then Conor says "Mommy he needs a blessing lets pray for him right now OK?" I said "What? What are you talking about?" He said Mommy he needs help lets ask God to bless him." I said sure and Conor took my hand and prayed "God please help that man and bless him right now he really needs it, amen."

I said " How did you know he needed a blessing Conor?" He replied with "I read his sign Mom it said I need a blessing".

 I realized that prayer cost me nothing. To send a blessing up in his name was better than sending out the negativity. And it took my 11 year old son to remind me what Christ said about having the heart of a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. Little kids see with grace filled eyes.   So heres a prayer for all of you, the panhandlers, the nurses, the dog groomers, the artist, anyone who needs a blessing today "

May The Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Monday with Conor

On a mission. Have company coming in Thursday so got up early and started operation company cleaning. Conor  was still asleep and I could see about 3 pair of dirty socks scattered like land mines in  the TV area so I picked those up and was using the tube part of the vacuem to suck up dust bunnies. I got about 30 minutes into it and one of his dirty socks jumped in front of me and got sucked up. It was stuck in the curvy part of the tube. After using everything from a butter knife to a pair of pliers I finally got my dryer cleaning kit out and pushed the sock down to the end to pull it out. That took 30 minutes after you hunt down tools and jump up and down silently screaming. Conor had come down and was "helping" because he felt bad.

After the dust bunnies were conquered Conor announced he wanted to learn to cook a omelette

He learned to crack an egg with one hand, steam spinach, and make an omeltte and fry bacon. That did go really well. He paid attention and did exactly what he was told and I loved it when he said "food can taste good AND LOOK GOOD TOO." Spoken like a true chef in training. He had to show it off ...

After that I was putting the food back in the fridge and realized I had 4 containers of Dijon mustard and was trying to get them all in the door so I took two of the three boxes of baking soda out. I know what exactly does that say about me? I need analysis for Dijon Mustard addiction and baking soda? One thing I do know is the fridge won't smell.
 Conor says "hey mom dont throw these Baking Sodas away they are still full." I said "well we can sprinkle them in the drain and make it smell better."
I finally get the Dijon put away and...

 I turn around he's at the sink and says "Um so how long does it take for this to go down the drain?"He had dumped both boxes in the two sinks at the same time. Both sinks were plugged up. He went and got me the killer plunger and I plunged one side and it went down then when I went to plunge the other side all this hot water with baking soda in it splashed up the empty side and drenched me all in my face, my hair and the front of my shirt. I had to send Conor upstairs after that. I was afraid I was going to hurt him with the plunger....

Life with him is always an adventure and I wouldn't trade it. But I am thankful I have alcohol. I think i will spend the afternoon in the parlor sipping Vodka....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I have lived allot of my life with fear. The first time I remember being really afraid was one time when my Mom asked if I wanted to stay all night with my grandparents, I was maybe 6, and I said sure. As she pulled out of the driveway I was gripped by a burst of feeling that if she left I would never see her again and went hollering out the screen door and running to the car door where I fell skinning my knees on the driveway and sobbing not to be left. I don't really know what caused it I just know it was so powerful I didn't care  about anything just that I had to go.
I have done some crazy things because of fear like one time I was in the grocery store and left an entire basket of stuff in the aisle because I just knew I forgot to lock the front door. I went home and you guessed it, locked.

Fear has caused me to build walls around myself and miss out on some wonderful things......

Fear has always been there and demands to be fed which is usually turns up with me trying desperatly to control the people and environment around me. I know logically that I cannot REALLY control anything but me however it doesn't matter I still do it. I worry. I worry about my health, I worry about my job and wonder if I will have to work until I fall over dead in old age because thier won't be enough money for us to retire. I worry about Conor what if he can't get into a good school or he does drugs or gets hurt, or gets someone pregnant or worst of all grows up hating his crazy controlling mother. I worry that Larry will get hurt or die or LEAVE me. I worry about my parents and the health care system and social security. I know its horrible to worry and  I have tried so hard to not be a worrier that I worry about that as well. One night I was sitting in the TV room in the dark after a ice storm and wondered if I could see my fear what would it look like? So I took a picture of the window. It was freezing cold, icy and kind of dark except for the outside lampost which accentuated the sharp edges of the coated branches. I think the phrase in the grip of icy fear is appropriate.

I did seriously consider this whole fear thing and wrestled it like Jacob and the angel for years when it finally dawned on me. You don't master fear. You don't control it like a dog on a leash it will grab you and shake you or else you won't be able to move because you are FROZEN by it. I wondered what if I just let the fear come, but walked through it to whatever was on the other side.

I have learned it WILL NOT KILL ME. I will not die because Im afraid. I have a great comforter in my life that has always been there and just waits like a Queens swordsman to help me through and its name is FAITH....

Faith cuts away through all the bullshit excuses that it might hurt or upset someones world or cause pain even physical pain to me, or people will judge me or whatever might be the WORRY of the week thats laying on my heart like a giant weight....

Faith is the open gate waiting to be walked through....

Faith in GOD that he will give me grace to come though whatever I enounter in this journey, faith in my husband that he loves me and I can trust him and I believe he will walk through that door and into this house. Faith that Conor will learn and grow and recieve what he needs from me and yes I will make some shitty mistakes but he will survive and learn from the world what he needs to in order to thrive and he will have pain and heartache and joy as he grows up into a man. Faith that my parents made it into this world without my help and made choices that affect thier lives as well but that I am here now and can offer them comfort and support  as they grow older and that most events outside myself  happen and are  shaped beyond me or my understandings....

As George Michael put it so eloquently, " You gotta have faith..."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

10 things

Im thankful for a hand to hold

breezes in the night


comfy beds with grandma made quilts
Frosty lemonade
my magnolia tree
the smell of fresh clean laundry
Public libraries
Friends family neighbors

Gods love and forgiveness