Sunday, April 17, 2011

Adventures with Conor Pt 1

Adventures with Conor Part 1

I have a lucky son. He was born in March almost St. Paddys Day. He has two OLDER parents who were so thrilled with him we decided that we should not mess with perfection and decided on the spot to have just the one so we could shower all our love, attention, and money on this little red fuzzed sort of hair speck of humanity. He is the apple of my eye, the song in my heart and the joy in my morning. He carries the hopes of this family on his little slim shoulders. Hopes for him to be a wonderful able-bodied Man who will do great things for God and mankind. But first he has to survive his childhood.

One morning when he was about 18 months I cut up pears his favorite fruit and put him in his high chair which I rolled into the living room so he could watch Teletubbies and I could read a magazine. He was having a great time, he would say "Mommy" and feed me a teeny piece of pear and then he'd have one. I was not really paying much attention so I just automatically opened my mouth when he told me to and he'd put the pear in and laughed. This went on until I felt something slimy. Something beyond the baby slobber slimy, something not supposed to be in your mouth type of feeling of slimy. I jumped up and grabbing a paper towel spit the fruit into it and looked at it. It had poop on it. I had the paper towel and am gagging and gacking and scrubbing the inside of my mouth and making a wierd choky noise which sends him into gales of laughter. I look at him, he has poop on him everywhere. hands, arms, sitting in it , on his legs. I grab the high chair and roll it down the hall to the bathroom and run in the bathroom rinsing my mouth out with water and then Listerine. I even drank a little thinking maybe it would help.

Then I took him out of his chair and stripped his diaper off. This is not firm like a cow patty, or even like ice cream. Now this is like chocolate pudding folks and its everywhere. All over him, the stroller, and now me too. After I finally get us all cleaned up in the shower I put him in his crib and take the entire stroller apart and clean it with bleach and water. It was so clean it looked new, you could have done surgery on that high chair. I put it outside to dry. Meanwhile he is screeching and squawking because he does not like being confined.

Thats when it hits me. I ate poop, it was in my mouth and Im going to get Ebola, or E Coli, or Mad Cow Disease and die. My sweet darling son stuck his hand in his poop and fed it to me. I look on the internet yup poop is not a good thing to eat but you cant do anything about it.

I just had to wait and see if I got sick or he did. Luckily we didnt.

But it gave new meaning to the saying " you can only eat shit one mouthful at a time."


  1. I. Can't. Breathe.




  2. :0 I know right?