Monday, December 26, 2011

A different Christmas

Christmas was different this year. This was my favorite gift a painting from COnor...

 Conor wore sock monkey PJ's not his usual red plaid. I think it may be the last funny flannel PJ Christmas and I believe in Santa with him. I laid upstairs with him on his bed my arms around him. He quivered all over because he could hear the bells outside and noise downstairs. I nuzzled into him and he breathed his eggnog breath in my face while I tried not to laugh out loud at him.

The funny thing is he played more with a light up top from Cracer barrlell than he did with any of his other toys...

I swore I would'nt use my credit card cash only but it was so worth it to see Larry the Big Kahuna with his Ukalale glued to his chest for the past two days. He has played and played and played it. Watching COnor play his bass with his amp. I know now how my Mom felt watching me and my brother play with our toys so excited and happy.

This was the first time we had Larrys folks spend a holiday with us ever. They came in from Texas on Christmas Eve and left this am. Larry cooked like a maniac and we ate like kings. He was like a little kid so happy to have his parents here. COnor was very excited too just about talked his Grammas ear off and loved hanging out with his grandpa and daddy fixing his toy helicopter.

I don't think that his parents realize how isolated from them he has felt all these years with them in Florida and him here.   My folks try to make sure he knows he's family but you still always want your own around at least once in awhile and to welcome them to your home.  Im looking forward to seeing
Conor get to know them. I hope he learns allot from his Papa Terry Mr fix anything guy. I know it helps him feel happy and useful to fix stuff so I will have a list for him next time he comes*wink*

I am looking forward to see what the new year brings and that we see more of JoAnne and Terry. Come on over we will leave the light on for you....

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

How do you say goodbye

R.T. Bennett

on Sunday, June 20, 2010 at 6:56pm
When I was very small I lived with my grandparents, Mom, and teenage Aunt in a tiny two bedroom house in Del City. My Grandmother worked downtown in a department store, and Grandfather drove a truck and was gone on the road more often than not. My Mom and my Aunt went to school and I would go stay with a lady named Parsons. At 5pm I would watch the other kids Daddies come to get them. Sometimes Mom said I asked "Why is my Daddy so old?" I thought because everyone called my grandfather Daddy that he was my Daddy too. I just could not get that straight. So to keep the confusion down I just called him Daddy too.
I could always tell when it was time for him to be coming home. My Grandmother would cook a big meal and the house would be all clean. There would be a fresh bar of LAVA soap out in the bathroom for him to wash his hands because they would be dirty from dropping off the load of pipe at the truck yard. Sometimes he didnt get home til late and I would already be in bed. I could hear him come in the door and my Aunt would take his dirty clothes, my Mom would go heat up his dinner and after he washed up my grandma would get him situated on the couch with a big glass of tea and he'd light his cigar. I would wake up and hear all this commotion and knew I should stay in bed. I knew I would probably get in trouble if I got up. I would clutch my pillow and waller around trying to go back to sleep. Finally I figured I'd face the music of trouble because I had to see my Grandpa. I slid down off the bed, put on my little red robe and tiptoed to the doorway. I could peep around the corner and see My grandpa sitting there. I looked and looked but would try to hide when my Mom came in. Finally ( he had already seen me and was tickled to watch me trying not to get caught...) he looked me in the eye and said "Wheres my Suzie?" I ran out and jumped on his lap and hugged him as hard as I could. He would rub his rough whiskers on my cheek and tell me how much he missed me and he had such blue eyes that would laugh when he looked at me. 
He told me when I was a baby before I could talk that one day I was mad because there were all these kids outside that I could see and I wasnt allowed out. I went to the screen door and pulled and cried and had a big fit. Finally I toddled over to where he was , crawled up in his lap, yelled at him, slapped his face, and then fell over on his shoulder and cried and cried till I went to sleep. I guess that was when our realtionship got a little conflicted. 

He took good care of me....

Our shared birthday 9/27/2006
At the hospital Conor and Great Grandpa saying goodbye
When I was in high school he made sure I had a good used car to drive, that I was able to do some special school trips, and he came to my graduation. Every Christmas he gave me a hundred dollar bill and a jar of pickles because I loved them. He fixed my cars, he helped me move, he gave me money if I needed a new dress. He would take me out for mexican food and he would make me chicken salad to take home. Nobody can top his chicken salad. He told my Mom at Christmas to get me some pickles and give them to me...even tho Im 48 and not 12 anymore.

He liked it when Id come over with my little boy. He'd take him into his workshop and show him his lawn mowers. They would talk about fishing and he'd come steal my Grandmas candy and give it to Conor.

After my Grandma died I'd call him and he'd talk to me for a long time. He told me he wanted to go to school and be an engineer but he fell in love with my Grandma and got married instead. He never regretted getting married but always regretted not going to college. That he was a expert marksmen and used to compete in Texas, and wished he had someone to pass that on to.

He worked really hard all his life. Even after he retired he was always working at something for somebody. I figured out about him then, all his life he had worked because it kept his heart quiet. If his heart was quiet he didnt have to think about his problems or regrets or sadness over mistakes he'd made with my Grandmother or his daughters, choices he'd made that were selfish and painful and heart breaking. If he worked he could make something better, or good, or beautiful or useful and maybe it would make things better. Maybe it would help his family love him and forgive him. Maybe to him work WAS love.

He is a complicated man even now. I dont kid myself that he didnt have faults or have some idealized vision of him. But just like he's the man who could hurt your feelings with a sharp word he's also the man who held a little baby who slapped his face, and made me feel like I was his favorite girl no matter how old I was. He is my old old Daddy no matter what...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Little Miss Red Shoes

I have become less of a dressy uppy girl over the last couple of years. If its my day off your more likely to find me in a pair of jeans and tennis shoes, no make up and a ponytail than all dolled up. I have become more reluctant to wear dresses as well. I dont mind a long skirt,  it keeps your butt covered if you have to lean over but its just easier to move around in pants than a dress most of the time.

That changed this month. I was looking for something pretty to wear to our company Christmas party. Im looking around a website and click on Holiday wear and there it is. A red satin ruffly dress. AWWWWHHHHHHHH a chorus of angelic voices in my ears and beams of starlight shooting into my eyeballs....

 I love red.  I used to wear red all the time! When I was a kid I traded my little loafers with another little girl for her sparkly red wizard of OZ shoes. We forgot to trade back and that night I got my butt whooped but I was inflamed with glamour while I had those shoes on. It broke my heart to give them back. When I looked at those shoes I was transported to another state of being. I could dance like a Rockette, sparkle like a diamond, and fight flying monkeys with a basket. And looking oh so pretty the entire time.

Then I heard it "THE VOICE". You know the one. The one that sits back on her comfy chair filing her nails and looking perfect like a picture from a magazine I call her "Miss Perception"

"Oh look doesn't that dress look fun. That girl she's so young, tan and pretty! AND FIRM>>> OOOOO that red satin its so clingy thats gonna show some figure flaws you will have more rock and roll than a Bon Jovi concert in New Jersey! More lumps than a WWE Midget wrestling match taking place under a blanket. And well isnt it a bit young for you? Maybe you should just wear that long sleeved red shirt again with your black pants. And well you know you will need to wear some flats you can't wear heels with those old lady knees of yours. Really DEAR don't put yourself through it..."

I sat for a moment and thought about it. Well yeah she's right red, clingy, heels. Maybe not.

But then that little girl wearing those red sparkly shoes jumped out and said "HEY SHUT UP BITCH SHE CAN WEAR IT IF SHE WANTS!"

So off I went into cyber world and ordered my sparkly red party frock and some  under armor spanx to pack it all in and a super bra to push it all up.  I got it all ordered and waited excitedly!

And a week later I went to pick it up at the store and try it on and dadauh I actually had to go down a size in the dress! YEAH!

SO that night when I was getting dressed I put on the spanx panties  first. It was like trying to pull up a wet onepiece rubber swimsuit while someone else was pulling it down. After allot of twisting, grabbing and wiggling around I finally got it up. WOW. All the way up right under the boobs. I have not been that firm since I was in my wedding dress 14 years ago. In fact that may have been the last time I actually wore a dressy dress. I worked up a sweat so I had to go dab my brow and next was the bra. After I finally got the sisters situated into the mangler I had a set of pillows I could rest a wine glass on like my own little airplane tray...

Then I realized I didnt have any hose. Shit its 630 pm on sunday the store is closed. So I go digging around in my drawers. All I can find is a pair of white tights for my halloween costume, some striped thigh highs for my pirate costume and a pair of nude thigh highs from 1994  that I could only get up to my knees...

"See I told you you should have picked pants."  Miss perception said smugly rolling her eyes.

"Oh please just put a bunch of lotion on and go bare legged its not the end of the world this is sparkly dress night!" little red shoes said. Then she grabbed Miss P, and shoved her under the bed.

 I found some Chanel and rubbed that on my bare legs and then I straightened my dress, put on my red lipstick, put on those black wedge heels and nervously walked downstairs to be greeted by  the wowees of my brother, hubby, son and nephew. After posing for some prom pics we were off.

I looked pretty with my favorite accessory ( my husband) ,  sparkly earrings and some big hair, not wobbling in my heels like I was afraid of  falling over , struttin out feelin fine. Got to the Party everybody just about fell over because I was in my finery. It was AWESOME! I had some wine feelin fine!

Me and Jodi doing our movie star laughs

Then had to go to the bathroom. Yep. Battlefield.

Oh the spanx they roll down OK but getting them back up from the roll? Well lets put it this way after the last giant tug I had a  wedgie all the way up to my armpits and spent another 5 minutes getting everything back to where it was supposed to be.  Then I had to pull and tug and resituate the dress lining.  I imagine that was akin to a old time cattle drive getting everything back into place.  Actually that was the only downside. Well that and my legs were really cold on the car seat.  But the hub he is a good guy went out and warmed up the car for the ride home...

My bodyguard
So Im going to another party Saturday night. With my BFF Margie. Gonna make her dress up and curl her hair.

 Red dresses must go out on the town....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ants do it, Bees, do it, Beavers do it, but I don't wanna do it...

This is me sometimes. Ok well more and more often.
When did my life turn into a marathon of time consuming soul sucking  time consumption?

First let me say some people are New York. They hit the ground with both feet and start out a sprint. They thrive on being busy every single minute of every single day, going, doing, being with other people until at last they HAVE to shut their eyes to sleep but then at the same pace start the next day all over again.  They are always occupied, plugged in, turned on, and lit up brighter than the city that never sleeps and resent it if you even suggest they slow down. Its just the way they live. Its their drug of choice.

I have always appreciated a slower okie pace. I wake up early but thats alright because I can get Conor and the furbabies ready without rushing, usually coming home and drinking some hot tea before I do stuff around the house or go to the store. I like to meander through my day I get it all done but slow and steady like a turtle.

But the last couple of weeks it has been more New York than Okie. I wont bore you with all the details off the additional complications but suffice it to say that I have worn about a tread off my tires and probably need new soles on my shoes with all the running to and fro. From the time I take COnor to school I don't linger at home til after I pick him up at school and then its spent doing all those domestic engineer type jobs you know the fun ones, laundry, cleaning house, and in a old house like mine, you never get it really clean unless nobody lives here at all to stir up any 100 year old  dust. That dust is probably from the buffalo days.

Its starting to tell on me. Im getting as whiny as a teething baby for no reason, and I know in that reasonable part of my mind I have everything to be grateful for and nada to complain about but it still
slips out. I snap at Larry and Conor, I feel anxious and out of sorts, I dont feel rested when I wake up, I want to eat everything on the planet. WAH WAH WAH!

I hate being that way. AND I know the people around me want to smack me upside the head and yell snap out of it. My sweet Mom even gently reminded me how blessed I am yesterday and made me totally laugh at myself and what a jerk I was being.

I know what the cure is though.  Its booze. HA no not really! Its back to the gym I go. After working out this monday I hurt like a bitch but I felt WAAYYYY better. And being more organized with my errands. And the big one,  loving me means I can love everyone else better....

"He who is too busy doing good, finds no time to be good."


Monday, November 7, 2011

The power of NO

I was always taught that you should be nice, helpful, kind, go the extra mile. So I always said yes. Even when I was sorry later. Like when I had a pretty little bracelet with flowers painted on it and one of my friends wanted to borrow it for a date I didnt really want to but I let her. She lost it. She wasn't really sorry. She just said "It was just a bracelet you can get another."

 I 'd hear someones sob story about hard times and let them move in "just for awhile". But it got to be like a revolving door. In and out I can't even recall all the people who stayed with me. Of course it almost always ended badly. They would leave owing me money, taking my clothes, trashing the house... Not to mention my 1st  roommate who was my Best friend since high school moved out and would barely talk to me forever and I wondered if it was because I couldn't say no to those other people did that cause me to lose her friendship for all those years?

And the boyfriends, back and forth all the time. I'd get treated like crap and then let them come back over and over. I was such a moron! And I always wanted to think that they would change, but they didn't.  I'd sit and wonder "God whats WRONG with me?"

It took a long time but I finally figured it out. In my twisted little life I had somehow learned that NO meant you were not nice and people wouldn't like you. AHA! Also that I was second they were first POOPY ON THAT! IM RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING TREATED LIKE A DOOR MAT!

(Now I will admit that there were a few times when I was in a situation and would get like a wierd nervous feeling and I would say no. Like when someone I didn't know wanted to walk me to my car from a bar "just to be safe" and I said no thanks. Thank God I honored that internal Klaxon that God blessed me with to protect me from really bad stuff...)

I was in my 30's and I finally learned it was Ok to say no. No I have to get up at 6am tomorrow so I won't be able to go out for drinks. No, thanks for offering me those clothes you can't wear anymore but I don't need them maybe you could give them to the lady down the street who helps homeless people.
No  you can't have that candy right before bed you won't sleep,  No Larry I don't want to go to see RUSH but you guys have fun. No you can't borrow anymore money, No as you can see Im on my way out the door I can't talk to you about the Mormon bible.

I even learned a great way to say no to people who always wanted me to help do stuff, can you cover my shift, can you help me move, can you watch my kids,  can you cut my hair can you blah blah blah.

I learned to say "I'd love to help you with that but Im going to have to say no." I don't offer an explanation usually.

 If they ask Im not going to lie. Most of the time Im already committed to something else. But sometimes I just don't want to. Is that selfish? Maybe to them. But to me its taking care of myself. Knowing my limits, knowing I need to take care of myself, my  home and family.

When I was little Mom would say NO MEANS NO. And it still means that today. So exercise your right to NO...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dear Mr. Campbell

 Dear Mr Campbell,

When I was a kid we listened to music all the time. Especially on saturdays. My Mom would put as many albums on the turntable as would fit and we would listen to them all day.

 Some days we threw in  R&B, or us kids Disney records but it was always Glen Campbell Saturday. My Mom loved you and so I did too.

If we were in the car and your music came on the radio we always sang along. Who doesn't know the words to Galveston or Rhinestone Cowboy? It made many a long car ride tolerable to throw in a tape of your music.

As I became a teeneager  there were days when my Mom and I didnt hardly talk to each other because of the fighting but could sit in the same room and listen to you
which created a memory for us of easier times and a bridge we could meet at.

Every guitar player I hung out with had at least 2 or 3 of your songs learned because they were timeless and everyone liked them.

I also had a crush on you. Handsome, soulful, mellow and smooth.  I loved you even when all my friends said country isn't cool. I knew you were more than a genre.

My regret is that you were pigeion holed into a category by the music industry. You are much more than a country singer Mr. Campbell. I will never understand why they always have to put people like you in a box.
 I have listened to your new album and love it. It speaks volumes about your life.

Im very sad that your brilliant talent and life will be diminshed by Alzheimers.

I admire that you are so open about it and I also love that you are taking one last tour with your kids and your music old and new.

Thank you Mr Campbell Im so glad you leave a legacy that I can share with my son....

Glenn Campbell Diagnosed With Alzheimer's Disease | Video - ABC News

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Who's 11?

I really hate to exercise. I have a blue bike a nice one and couldn't remember why I never rode it so I took it out one evening and rode it to a friends house for dinner. When I got home I was trying to get my leg over the bar in the middle and fell over on the grass.
 Of course I only have avg. length legs and I did have about 3 glasses of wine but it jogged my memory of why I didn't ride it in 10 years. I decided I wanted a new bike for my birthday so I got on the internet and started looking. I wanted one kinda like when I was a kid with a groovy basket, a bell, bright colors, and no gears. I don't get the gears thing. I only rode a 10-speed because it was cool not because I needed all those gears. And foot brakes. Not hand brakes. I just can't get used to the sudden pitch forward of hand brakes, hello front flip over the handlebars...

I found some bikes called cruisers and there she was, it was a "AAAAAAHHHHHH" cue the angelic orchestra music moment. I looked up where they sold them in OKC. I called Larry and asked if we could go look at them and he said sure. So we all pile in the car on his lunch break and mosey down to the store. There she is. They take her down and I wobble around the parking lot. It is a little adjustment to having the different handlebars, it has only 3 gears, and foot brakes but not a huge deal. Im so excited.  Then I look at the price. HOLY MOSES and part the red sea theres no way we are buying this bike! It cost more than my wedding ring AND engagment ring. I gathered those boys up and said thanks but no thanks.

I did want a bike really bad. I would talk about riding around to all the little art festivals, to my friend Jennifers house over in Mesta Park, with COnor around the lake. I live in a beautiful neighborhood near all the fun parts of downtown and it would be fun to bike to stuff. But I resigned myself I'd have to find something else. I looked and looked but couldn't find exactly what I wanted. It was a bummer....

Cue to about four months later. We are sitting in the living room and Larry just jumps up out of his chair and says get up we have to go somewhere. I said where? He says just come on. So we all jump up and get in the car and head towards a old area called Automobile Alley. We get out and I see all these people walking to this little area set up for music with tents and stuff so I think we are going there, nope. Then I see the new Hideaway Pizza are we going there? Nope. He says in here so we go in this door and we are in the bike store. I still don't have a clue. I said what are we doing in here are you getting a part for your bike? Conor grabs my arm "No Mommy we are getting YOUR NEW BIKE!" 

Now it sinks in. All the whispering and sly glances. All the can I tell her what she's getting can I give her a hints from COnor. The remark about "I paid off your birthday present but you have to spend a little so your can take it to Florida." I thought it was a new car stereo or something. Maybe a IPad. Certainly not a bike.

Its her! Its the gypsy. The ultimate colorful crazy most beautiful bike in the world. I asked the guy how I would fit a wine rack on there and he laughed and said we can fix you up. THEY HAVE COOLER BAGS FOR WINE FOR BIKES?!

I have just got the best gift ever ever ever! My boys paying on this layaway every week so I could have my dream bike...I would have cried if I hadn't been so thrilled I was hopping up and down...


In front of THE WOMB art gallery
 COnor says Mom you looked like you didnt know whether to hit us or hug us. I jump on and ride down the sidewalk. 3 guys walk out of a building and are looking at me and smiling , I yell my new bike! as I ride by, they all laugh and clap. I ride over to the little festival and push my bike around. We put on funny mustaches. I take my picture with my new bike in front of the WOMB art gallery. Im so happy happy happy!

We put it in the Honda and have to ride really slow home with it hanging out of the back and Conor holding it in a death grip.


 I bring it in and take all these pictures of its fresh, no scratches, even smells new sweetness.

 Custom paint job, daisies my favorite flower.

Water in the basket ready to go. The perfect leather seat so comy and the hand grips match, ahhhhhh.

Yes I did take it for a spin, its maiden voyage. Yes it was splendid. I took it out on Sunday around 7am and rode for about an hour while it was cool. I was glad I had glasses on because of the little gnats. I was also glad my mouth was shut when I hit the cloud of them. Because moments earlier I caught myself grinning. Grinning from ear to ear, grinning to beat the band.  And humming the bicycle song by Queen....

Feeling my little tassels whipping back in the breeze, cruising along the wheels bouncing and whirring.

 Im not 50, Im 11 again...

All i need is the yorkie in the basket and wizard of oz music...

Beautiful and comfortable...

Monday, August 15, 2011

TP, Kleenex, and a Grandma

Im down in the basement sorting laundry and my cell phone rings so I reach into my bra ( which doubles as a cell phone holder in case you didnt know that, and I prefer the left side) and see its coming from my own house.

Me: What is it COnor?

Him: Um Mom Im out of toilet paper.

Me: Theres some on the back of the toilet.

Him: No Im in the upstairs bathroom. In your room.

Me: COnor theres a box of Kleenex on the side table where the phone charger is get some of that Im busy.

Him: No Mom I can't I need you to bring me some paper.

Me: Conor Im busy use kleenex.

I hang up. It rings again and I ignore it. Again. He calls about 3 times I know its him. I answer and say "Seriously son you can get up and get the cordless phone that sitting next to the kleenex but you can't get kleenex? " Then I hang up.

ABout 2 or 3 minutes later the house phone rings. I ignore it thinking Conor will get it. Then it stops and my cell rings. Its my Mom.

Me: Hi Mom.

Her: Suzie where are you?

Me: Im in the basement why?

Her: Well your little boy called me and said he has an emergency upstairs and needs you!

Me: He what? He called you? He called because he wants me to get him toilet paper when all he has to do is walk two steps and get kleenex IM IN THE BASEMENT are you kidding me? Im going to kill him for freaking you out.

Her: Oh no don't be mad at him. He's just a little kid...

Me: Oh no he's gonna get some toilet paper alright. Bye Mom.

I go upstairs get the entire package of TP out of the pantry and take it upstairs. He is laughing but not after I toss every roll at him as he dodges them yelling "Mom Mom nooooooo." While I yell "Heres your emergency, and when you get done you call your Grandma and tell her your sorry for freaking her out!"

He was properly contrite. I had a very hard time not laughing at him after it all happened. Im annoyed and amused all at the same time. We have come a long way from yelling out the open door to calling "THE HELP" on the house phone.....

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Males and furniture and help a girl out....

Im on a flinging binge. So far I have 8 pairs of shoes, 6 throw peeyoes ( as Conor called them) , 6 shirts, a set of sheets, books, two dirty, stinky, 7 year old chairs, and a plaid ottoman with a rip the size and shape of California down the middle. I just get crazy and start moving stuff out its so FREEING!. I invited my brother Dave over to help me move furniture around and take the chairs to the curb and help Larr hang a ceiling fan in Conors room in exchange for a back wax and beer. Dave took the beer and is considering the back wax...

Anyway I was going to sneak Larrys gross chair out while he was at work but he beat me home. Heres the conversation.

Me: So you just move my comfy chair over for you, keep that ottoman and then we'll put the nice blue leather wing back in the man cave for me.

Him: (Using the sad face) But I like that chair.

Me: (Trying to use the ick factor)  I know but I have tried cleaning it with everything and its gross and smelly it needs to go. Seriously.

Him: (Using the man logic) But its broken into the shape of my body perfect.

Me: (Now resorting to man  logic) It is broken alright you need a crane to get out of it, it is so low down to the ground your butt is almost on the floor. COnors head doesn't even poke over the top its so broken.

Him:( Using but we have a history logic)  But its not old, its only a few years old you bought it off Craigs list when we moved here 2 years ago.

Me:  (Using the same) No I bought both the chairs from Linda at the Spa the first time we remodeled in 2002 and they were already 2 years old AND had a million people sit in them. The nice chair I bought on Craigs list 2 years ago. The one that is pretty and does not have the fabric worn off and does not always smell like a truck driver.

Him: (Using shame) So you dont care how I feel about MY CHAIR?

I consider this throwing down the gauntlet using his  FEELINGS on me.

Meanwhile Dave is watching this like a tennis match and waiting. He's a wise man he kept his mouth shut.

I finally realize I have to use the throwdown on him. I look at Dave. I look at Larry.

Me: ( I use the beat up look and voice) OK I will move the chair myself if you won't do it I will just do it myself.

No No we will do it. They move the chair and ottoman out. They also move one chair upstairs and a couch and a chair and ottoman downstairs and another chair into the man cave. They then drink beer and excuse themselves to the babyman cave upstairs to do the fan...

But not before I talk to them about what it would take to hang my new bike on the wall like a piece of art which I was just kidding about but they went for it like a duck after a junebug! I told them I was teasing so they ran away before I gave them something else to do.

So Im cleaning and I hear all this thumping on the porch its Conor moving the chair back in.

Me: What are you doing?

Him: Bringing this chair back in its my favorite chair.

Me: No its gross and its going away.

Him: No mom its going upstairs.

Me: Take it back to the curb RIGHT NOW!

I look out the window. He's sitting in the chair. I go out and he says he's never getting out of it because then nobody can take it. I make him come in and he sets at the window and says if anyone tries to get it he's gonna make them pay him 50.00. He then goes upstairs and tells his Dad he should just march down and tell me no we are keeping the chair and Larry said sorry we aren't your Mom is a force of nature and can't be controlled.

After all that he went out and turned both chairs over trying to hide them behind Daves car. I hope someone takes that chair tonite. I don't want to find it under the tree in the backyard with COnor sitting in it playing with his IPod.....

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Best we can


reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of aperson or thing; confidence.
confident expectation of something; hope.
confidence in the certainty of future payment for propertyor goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is mytrust.
the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Troubles all these troubles, troubles all around....thats a line from one of my favorite Jon Dee Graham songs. I was laying in bed this morning the storm woke me up but I couldn't go back to sleep because I was thinking so much about all the troubles. They were like clouds in my head, beloved people with cancer, family troubles, money troubles, sick babies, our pick up thats probably going to last a week if we are lucky...all rolling around clacking like a bag of marbles.

I was thinking thinking thinking how do you fix all this? Where do you start? And most of all how do you accept what you can't fix? I felt a stirring by my feet and looked down to see my little 16 year old Lilly cat coming up to me for pets. She was a grateful distraction. I thought of how trusting she is. She doesn't worry that there will be no food or water or enough love. She believes that when she comes to me I will give her that. She trusts me has faith in me, lives in this moment. 
As I stroked her soft fur a voice in my heart said "trust me".

 I almost laughed. Gods so easy. He just wants us to be like that little cat. Just believe that there is something more. Peace , love, faithful hearts, tomorrow will be here and it might rain or it might be sunny but tomorrow will come and we will walk through the day and be in the night and we may feel alone, but we are not because the loves all around us no matter what. Gods love that surpasseth all understanding. Tonight right now I am surrendering to that trust....

 As I drifted off I thought of the trust I have with Larry and Conor. I could hear Conor stirring in his room and feel Larrys warm arm against my  side and thought this really all I need. And its all good, and yes we are all doing the best we can and standing in trust together...

"It aint the winning it aint the losing its the going on beyond our choosin that makes us KINGS"

Jon Dee Graham

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Katie Kissoon - I Need A Man In My Life

me in the 80s
So I woke up this morning at 4:30 AM again. I have not been able to sleep and  I got up and let the dogs out.  I felt tired and worried and not in a good mood. I came in and sat down at the computer. When I hit a button all of a sudden this song came pouring out from Itunes. 

This was my happy song back in the 80s. I was in school at Pauls Beauty College and one of my friends was a DJ at a GAY bar called Angles (where you know they have the best dance music evuh!)and made me what he called my "Happy Tape". He knew when I heard this music it made me dance and sing and feel like a million dollars. I would just pull this happiness up from someplace and run with it. 

As I listened to it I felt this smile creeping up on my face and I started Laughing. I love it when joy sneaks up on you like that. 

Good morning I hope you get happy feet today.

Monday, June 27, 2011




I have a generous heart but Im not very sympathetic to ablebodied people who beg.  It annoys me because I would do anything before I would beg. I would clean truck stop bathrooms and flip burgers. I would wash your dog. I would have to be very desperate to panhandle. I have heard so much about panhandlers who park a nice car two blocks away and then sit in dirty clothes and beg all day and then drive home. I also know they spend it on booze, or drugs sometimes. I have been hornswoggled  enough times myself that Im suspicious of most of them.  I have even made jokes about it. I told Larry once that "you'd make more money if you had a dog...."

Today driving home from the Dr. with Conor I saw a man with a sign on the corner and I thought, "Oh no I hope I don't get a red light and have to sit with this guy staring at me, he looks fine why doesn't he have a job? Sheesh I hope he doesn't come up to my car with a bucket of Dixie Sticks..." I was happy when the light turned green and I could just turn left and head down the road. But then Conor says "Mommy he needs a blessing lets pray for him right now OK?" I said "What? What are you talking about?" He said Mommy he needs help lets ask God to bless him." I said sure and Conor took my hand and prayed "God please help that man and bless him right now he really needs it, amen."

I said " How did you know he needed a blessing Conor?" He replied with "I read his sign Mom it said I need a blessing".

 I realized that prayer cost me nothing. To send a blessing up in his name was better than sending out the negativity. And it took my 11 year old son to remind me what Christ said about having the heart of a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. Little kids see with grace filled eyes.   So heres a prayer for all of you, the panhandlers, the nurses, the dog groomers, the artist, anyone who needs a blessing today "

May The Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.